The Lindt Stranger: Ideal Man for Moi

I really hate it when my dad talks to me using that tone in his voice. I think i've blogged about it before but it's just so brittle the way he talks..so harsh and so grindingly insulting. I really wish he would stop but that required a miracle. In a way I think i'm jealous of how my dad treats my mom. He does whatever she wants him to do and always asks her before doing something. Even when i ask him to do something he needs my mom's approval before he does anything. That makes me feel as if I'm not important. I really want my dad to love me and i want to get along with him, but it's very hard and not all his fault.
I'm just really waiting for a man to treat me like that guy treated me at the mall the other day. I really really wish I could run into him sometime. I helped him buy something and then he went out and came back after a while to show me the gift he bought his mom and give me a little gift too. That was so sweet of him. There were random guys that opened doors for me, treated me ncie and acted chivalrous but I'll always remember that guy cuz he touched a nerve...i've always wanted to get chocolate from a hot guy and never have until then. And I know he wanted my number but i was too stupid to give it. But the lesson is..i want a guy that isn't afraid to give me chocolate and flowers, that isn't afraid to always talk kindly to me, that wants to hold me forever in his arms, a guy that would show me off and tell everyone about me. basically i'm looking for a guy that would put himself out there for me . Vulnerability is sooo sexy to me. And i mean the type when i'm his biggest weakness. He must be strong, except around me. I dream of such a guy and i really hope i find him. In that guy's honour, I will dedicate this post "The Lindt Stranger."

Irreplaceable

For the past few days I catch myself humming that song by beyonce: Irreplaceable. I just realized that God is irreplaceable. I want to be a better person, and I decided to explore my career options tonight online. I never seriously applied myself to do research about my future. I just followed the herd to university and only now am i realizing the mistake I made. That's alright though, because I'm going to seriously apply myself now and just figure out what I want to do in life. I just really want God there with me when i make that decision because who knows me better than my creator? He knows what I will be happy with more that I do...I'm fickle, I change my mind, but God knows what I'm really like inside even as I stumble to discover bits and pieces of myself. I really hope I make some decisions, and find some careers that I will be happy with.

Dear Jesus,
Please help me find a career that will make me want to get out of bed every morning. Help me find a job that I can leave with a smile, with a sense of fulfillment. Help me please God. I love you so much. I'm really really sorry I sinned God. Please help me become a better person liek the person you want me to be.
Thank you

Life Plan

Lately I noticed that one of my major idiosyncracies is fakeness...well it's not exactly an idiosyncracy..just that even a hint of fakeness is enough to set me off. I also hate people who constantly seek attention. I don't know why, but I think it's actually making ME bitchy and fake. All I ask is for God to give me the grace to love those people. I really want a relationship with God you know. I want to be a beautiful person.
I'm the of person who thinks better on paper. I love writing things down because when i see it, it makes it all clear to me. So i'm going to take 20 mins right now and map out my whole life. What i want to be and where i want to go.

1. I have a relationship with God
• All my problems I can just take to God because he and i have a wonderful loving relationship. I will stick by him through thick and thin, just as he always will to me.
• I love God with all my heart, and my purpose in life to spread his love, and discover his purpose for me.
  
• I trust him with my life. All i have and own he gave to me, so nothing is mine. It's all his and he gave me the grace to accept that and love that. That's why I trust him with my life...because it's as if my life is his, I am the creation of God, I am part of him.
  
2. I am in a wonderful, loving, godly relationship with a guy.
• That guy would preferably be tall, at least somewhat good-looking but not waay better-looking than me. He would be kind, generous, can make me laugh, smart (at least smart enough to not eat paper), white (i can't help it, is it bad to be attracted to a certain race only?..it's not even my race so im guessing it's ok. But i'm not set on the white thing, if i find someone who is not white and possesses the other qualities, i will definitely go for him), believes in God, wants to have a relationship with God, loves every nook and cranny and chink of mine, has a good career/on the path to a good career (preferably doctor/denist/ med or dentistry-student/ lawyer/ financial manager of some sort).
• We knew each other for about 2-3 years and then got married
  
• We have beautiful children (one girl and 1 boy)
• I am happy and safe in our relationship
• We are journeying towards God together as a family
  
3. I am a doctor/ lawyer/ dentist
• After doing as well as i could in undergraduate studies at University of Washington, I went to a reputable Med-school. After doing pretty well in Med-school, i am at a nice working environment working to help people, they're smiling at me when they say "thanks doctor" and they are not faking it.
4. I am doing Yoga biweekly
• It relaxes me and leaves me glowing. I am in good shape and have been keeping up with my fitness through working out at the gym and maybe attending a dance class or two.
5. I have enough money to lead a balanced, enjoyable life
• I go shopping about once a week for clothes and stuff i enjoy.
  
• I go get massages after a particularly stressful week of work (not too often but it happens)
• I donate to charity
  
• I go travelling at least once a year (whenever work permits), family vacations doing fun stuff like snorkeling.
  
• we go out to eat as a family, and sometimes i go grab lunch by myself at a chic restaurant and read a book while eating.
  
6. I have good familial relationships and friends
   
• I go to SL and visit family and friends about once every 2 years
  
• I keep in touch with friends and have a few quality friends that are godly and we help each other mature and grow as christian adults.
  
• Sure we drink the odd cocktail or 2 and go have a girls night out.
  
7. I am a beautiful woman

Action Steps to Get there 2007

1. Relationships
   
• Go to church/ read the bible
• Make good friends through volunteering and school
• Be friendly to everyone
• At University of Washington, be on the lookout for nice boys, flirt
2. Career
• Apply to UW
• Study hard in school
• Continue to Volunteer at Science World
  
• Keep the job
  
3. Finances
• Keep the job
4. Health
• Sign up for Yoga class for Jan
• Excercise at the gym at least once a week
• Dance to music at home for 15 mins every day
• Do 50 sit-ups everyday
  

Confused, lonely, unhappy

Everything is so confusing. I feel like i'm in a constant slump right now, and nobody is reaching down to pull me out. I guess i just have to reach out on either side, brace myself against the concrete, and just pull myself out. I've been without a boyfriend my entire life. Im going to be 19 soon and i just wish i could figure out exactly what i want. I'm still lost in a mindless abyss of upturned dreams. Everything i hoped for, strived for, turned out to be nothing i wanted. University is not at all the liberal, happy-go-lucky, this-is-when-life-begins stage that i expected it to be. Maybe i'm not meant for university. But i do know that i want a good career. I work now, yeah I have problems there with an overly-picky manager-ly bitch who's just getting on my nerves with her fakeness. She has a boyfriend, of course. I don't get it, I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, I'm smart, funny, got a good personality, why don't i ever meet someone? Well that's not entirely true, i met people, had opprtunities to meet several more. I was too scared to take them up. I just didn't feel at all like it was what i wanted at the time. afterwards, of course i regretted it. It's just right now i feel like i've been in a transition phase my entire life, and right now is time to complete that transition, step onto the threshold of something new and something that makes me HAPPY.
Gawd, i need to find myself real bad. I think i know what i want to do: I need to go somewhere, away from here. I need to find myself in someplace different. Need to learn to grow up and be an adult. First step: do well in history.

1. Right now i don't have much opportunity for meeting guys, I'll find a boyfriend before i'm 20 though.
   
2. Go to University of Washington next year....whatever you do, DO NOT stay at ubc.
3. Try to travel somewhere...like England in the summer.
   
4. Attempt to publish a poem.
5. Do well in history final tomorrow.
   

Why did I wake up today?

I am sooo mad right now. ARRRGHHH. First of all my dad yells at me today for such a little thing. His anger is always directed towards us and im so annoyed at it. I mean, i know it's his way of talking but i hate it. I hate the sandpaper roughness in his voice, the mean way his words enunciate themselves, the grinding stone quality of his mincing words just rub me the wrong way. I need to get out of this house and get away. I spend wayyy to much time at home right now and that has to change next term. I need to get into school in a serious way next term.
The other thing that's bothering me is Eileen and her blatant rudeness. She ignored my messages, turned off her phone, won't call me...and all i want are my notes back. She didn't go to school for the past couple of classes so i had to write on paper instead of my notebook. Today she was supposed to return it to me and we were supposed to go study at school or at the library. But she didn't even bother to phone me...and she FREAKING TURNED HER PHONE OFF!!!. ARRRRGHHHH I HATE HER AND EVERYONE ELSE. I'm gonna go emo soon if my life continues to be like this. Today is just a horrible horrible day...and the weather outside when i woke up should've indicated that right away. Why did i even wake up?