Oh, this is life.

Well, it's now 8.45, or almost, on a thursday night and im prepping for my chem lab. The procedure is quite convoluted and i'm in a bit of a romantic mood right now. Suprisingly, my lifted spirits owe their optimistic red-metallic sheen to Rebecca Bloomwood, a fictional character in one of my favourite light-hearted novels, "Confessions of a Shopaholic". It's one of those stories that stay with you forever just because the characters are so memorable. The past few days I've been finding myself repeating British-sounding phrases like "popping into the tube" and "I cahn't help it."
Oh, this is life. There's nothing more and nothing less than what I have right now. I'm discovering myself at 18, and it's difficult. But the reality remains true, that tomorrow might bring more sorrow, or perhaps it may bring a turnabout of events resulting in an ecstatic squeal of tingling surprise. All i can hope for right now is for my lost pencil case back. Nothing else could possibly be more important to me now, and, simultaneously, nothing could be of lesser value to my well-being (perhaps excluding...nope, nothing). In my new-found philosophical mood, nothing sounds like a fat, juicy caterpillar of a word. And like nothing, words tumble over themselves in my mind to get out that I almost have to censor myself for fear of losing an absolutely wonderful thought and never being able to remember exactly what it was. Those thoughts are the most hideously malicious beings ever created by a meandering mind, the ones that make you regret your very existence for not being advanced enough to remember a simple thought. Oh look, i've done it right now. I lost a thought. How abominable. Oh, how eloquent and British I feel right now. I wish I could speak to Hamlet for a mere 5 mins. I wonder if he would fall in love with my dark beauty for the mere fact that it contrasted with all ideas of feminity he was accustomed to. But I've digressed.
My intention in writing this marvelously profound piece of internet diarea (not to be confused with diarrhea), was to complain about my lost pencil case, to yearn after those chubby green twin erasors encased in a cute little box, my house keys, the flashdrive that was with me for a year of my IB ordeal (it witnessed more sides of me and my writing personality than anybody ever had), the perfumed pink highlighter that was a testament to my impulsive ways, the hardy erasor that was inexcusably used (literally and figuratively) because I didn't want to ruin those chubby twin ones in the cute box, the undiscovered pens and pencils, and most of all, the pencil case itself. The pencil case i recieved almost 5 years ago from my best friend of 8+ years. The pencil case that was a leaving-gift from my then best-friend to her friend that did not write her a single letter from Canada. Oh, this is rich; this is life.

Why?

It seems like I haven't learned much in the past two years. Seems like I flip-flopped a lot, did weird things, liked the wrong guys, etc. But the thing is, I was actually happy in some moments in between. Why did i never write about that? Why didn't I write about the times when people slept over, the times we went to each others houses and ate cake, the study parties we had with perogies, the strawberries we ate, the fireworks we watched, the boys we talked about? I guess when you focus more on the negative side of life, everything becomes negative. I just wish I had some strong friends to hold onto. They would make my life a lot better.

SOS...I'm Lost

It's that time of month again..literally and figuratively. The time where I experience my down days, the time where i question the ultimate goal of my existence, the days where i question what my life has become.

It's been about 4 weeks since school started, almost a month, and I feel about as lonely as when I first came to Canada. Almost as lonely as the day i cried in front of my locker at VT because I missed all my friends back home. I feel the same way again..I still miss those people. They were just like me, and they understand me even today. I wish i were back where i belong...i miss my old life whole heartedly. At the same time, maybe if i were back home i would've wanted to go abroad, to spread my wings, to discover myself. Maybe SL would not have offered my the opportunities to do so.

The bottom line is, I am very confused and direction-less right now. I'm frustrated and I've lost my passion for life. I really don't know myself anymore, and from what i do know, I find myself to be a very boring person that I don't really admire. I really want to do some things like have good friends, go out and have a social life once in a while, develop my relationship with God, find someone special, and discover what moves me...what my passions are. Before i can do anything else, i must discover myself. I'm seriously confused about doing that. I need help.