Friends

I just realized that nobody can keep you grounded as much as good friends can. No matter where i go or where i will be in 10 years, i will still have those friends i made in SL. They're the same as me, share the same values, the same complexion, the same beliefs, and go through the same sort of situations. No matter where i go i should never forget them or forget to keep in touch with them, because above all, there's nothing more depressing in life than not having a friend to help you out when you are moving, or making some other big change in your life. I dont want second class friends, the kind that forget u and get out of touch, and wish we were seperated, and dont let you help when they are going through difficult situations. I dont want friends that turn around and stab you...this is why i must only keep in touch with those friends..and as much as i wanted to help kg out, i didnt. Because it's a repetitious cycle. i dont want to get stuck in it again. im glad i made the decision to not help her out again.
But other than that, i need all the friends i can get. Im gonna be a friends whore. I will be famous for having friends, and having a smile on my face because of those friends. I want the social interaction of helping them out as well as being helped out in situations. But as for KG, association from a distance is good. She's the type that u have to keep at an arm's length. THat will the strategy for her.

sigh

i feel so isolated...well not really but still. she didnt even think about inviting me...we're not good friends after all. i know we're not because if i were in her shoes i would've probably done the same. i dont like him either because he only thinks of u when he likes u...at other time it's all just when he wants something. so w/e...let them have their flings. i think v likes her too now....woah crazy. its so weird...or maybe he suspects something. maybe they all suspect something. why did she have to get desperate? she just wanted to be in on their group. well w/e i dont care...dont come begging back to us again then.
what do i do? i sometimes wish i never came here because im searching searching for something to fill this void that i didnt even know existed when i was back home. maybe its just growing up...maybe its the country...i'll never know till i go back. but i cant because i dont have neither money nor a passport now. i hate this.
all my hopes and dreams are falling apart. i feel like i need to refind myself along with who my real friends are. i feel like such a kid...and that would lead me to do something desperate if i dont watch out. please god..help me. help me to get out of this hole that im stuck in. i dont know what to do and it doesnt feel like ur elping.

listless nights. starry summer skies with noone to find constellations with. empty open fields of barren stretches of grass. bereft sea shores. vacant restless eyes. hulking angry beasts of deception. friendless meanderings in a lonely park.window shpopping with a dime in your pocket. purposeless walks where nothing is seen or heard. unobserved beauty. walking through lovely rose gardens wihtout seeing a single eager rose. spectators that dont react. subjects unlearned. hopes lost. friends gone.

I feel really weird. Like i don't know where Im supposed to be. Is it back home or over here? People back home seem to be going out and partying and having fun. There arent many ppl from my country over here and it's weird. I feel like im culturally lost. What should i do? I wish nobody in our family ever wanted to go abroad and stuff. But i know that stephie and them wish they were over here. classical case of grass been greener on the other side...literally. I dunno, i was pretty happy back there. But i was sidelined a bit too...i was so out of it but it was all my fault. I guess it doesnt matter where u are as long as u make the best of things and dont allow urself to be a spectator, like the spectator ions. We must participate and react to make the reactions go to completion. I just feel like everything's coming togethere for her and not for me. For me, everything needs to be reconstructed now. I want to go out with a guy sometimes just to have someone special to care about me in that way.

I have to learn to be consistent with who i am...and not be sidetracked by outside infleunces. I have friends here and a fun time so i guess i should stay here and not go seeking stuff back home. I do wanna visit this year and see tho...but i guess its just not going to happen. Aru went out with that guy...i dunno.

Can't Wait!

Im determined to change my ways. In order to find myself i have to make policies like US did. I must lay out my NSC-68 plans for my life. First is purity. I wont be anything but pure and Godly. I need to find focus within myself and once all this is over, I will do just that. I need to find a good church and ask SQ to go with me. We could go and find inner peace. And doing the list of things i said i was going to do...that'll help me. And a job and independance. wow, i cant wait.

Lonely days

A time of desperate self-seeking, trying to find a foothold in a dense, deep, convoluted jungle where dark thing peep out of darker trees. Where the sun is hidden overhead behind clouds of thick, whisky blankets of leaves. They criss-cross and mingle, and the patterns of sunshine they let through are horrible and mean. I want to get to that clearing where the sun shines unchecked. I need God, but what do i do? I need to feel pretty and normal. Its harder being around people that are different from you. But i guess there's always something harder, no matter how easy your life is compared to others, it always SEEMS hard. Im just not gun-ho enough i guess. But i need to learn to appreciate what i have. need to mingle with people other than the people who betray me and are never there for me. Seriously, when did i ever feel like she was there for me?

Wordless musings

Well i'm halfway through. but disappointment has been prevalent in most things i did this past week. Also i feel bad about the whole thing today. Ahhh why do i feel so wretched? Am i still jealous? I thought i was over it? the best thing to do is ignore and switch pursuits. this dead weight...when will it lift? who will do the whisking and the fluffing and the lifting of hot air balloons? Who will be the ledger in my life? Today was a horrible horrible damned day. But im thankful for it and im constantly waiting. I hate hope. its miserable because you get disappointed. nothing can live up to ur imagination. and im rather addicted to mine. its an insufferable disease. oh the puns. So which will be my next pursuit. I do not like him. i do not like him either. but i feel a twinge that he's with her and another twinge when she wants him. and i have a disgusting hope that he's not happy...i need to be like vittoria. i need to switch pursuits. if only things were that timely and convenient. I want to be happy being free, but there;s this yearning. maybe if im not free i will appreciate the freedom i had. ah its so complicated. but i mostly think its not taht...its the pressure to be like everyone else. to be normal, to do the things that are normal and expected at your age. i wont fit into the mold. i will not be mouldy and rotten. but i do wish it....there is that yearning that i cant ignore....