bring it on, baby

I'm not very selective am i? Well i just suppose that it's more because all parties concerned in my life right now are of excellent caliber...in some form or another. Right now though, i cannot be distracted by these things. My heart is to be guarded and cherished because I don't want another disaster like before. I don't really care right now of getting a bit crushed, but there is only so much that a heart can take and i'm afraid of overstraining mine.
I find that i lack the willpower to stick to my goals. Why is that? why must i be like that? things would be so much easier if i had the strength to exert myself to the limits. But i always stop short, fall behind another in my attempts. Only because of a intrinsic fear of excellence. If only i can prove to myself that i can surpass this childish, yet very mature, feeling of 2nd best. The fear of the top spot, the limelight, the difference in me that is so unique and is cruelly supressed. If only i can think outside the box and let my feelings flow and spill across my english paper as i am doing now. If only i can organize the concepts concerning math in an effective receptacle in my brain and pull it out with a flourish...if only i did not use overused cliches to express the feelings within me.
I will stick to my goals today even if it means death. I WILL DO IT. these exams are a chance for me to prove to myself that i am all that is my conception of myself, and more. I am more than i think i am capable of. And i will stretch myself to the limit to find that very limit of excellence. I WILL DO IT!!!

When the players are switched and your team gets lost

i can see how he misled me knowingly..but maybe im misleading someone else knowingly too. i dont want to but i see clearly how these things could happen. isnt life so ironic sometimes. but now i know how to deal with this if im ever on the projecting side of the spectrum. but how do i recieve it? this is my first time recieving...well consiously at least. how do i turn it into friendship and not hurt feelings? if i dont stop it now i would be a hypocrite. she is practically glowing these days...i think some sort of agreement has been made that makes everyone happy. im glad.
maybe im worrying over nothing. see...i see how it could've happened eaaassily. wow.

Not my world

Im so confused. I feel really empty and sad again today...it's the whole thing all over again. Something missing in my life. I feel like there's a void that only relationships can fill, but i'm helpless to go out and achieve those relationships. And the ones i have are slowly slipping away too. Its sad. oh so sad.

I dont think i have very good friends. soo is too naive, shallow and lethargic...even compacent and lackadaisical, to trule appreciate anything. she gets stressed out and angry and worried for no reason, and its rude the way she snaps. t has her own world. she doesnt really care anymore, and her interests lie elsewhere. the other one is just plain weird. too malicious and spiteful to be called a friend really. and so what do i have left? nothing i suppose. I miss my old friendships. i miss my old life...i should've never come. this isnt the world for me.

Here's to never learning!

ah how beautifully sad human beings are. here am i after having my dreams and hopes squashed and smashed about like some worthless bug (maybe an ant...too small to even notice...or maybe a big juicy green caterpillar), and i keep on hoping. i love that beauty, yet i resent it a bit too. Don't I ever learn? Please god, don't let me learn.
I went to church today. It wasnt the sort of connection i had hoped for. But it got me a miniscule step closer to God. I desire a deeper connection now, desire it so much that it's a thirst. I want to be "tight" with god, i need to be at peace with myself and him. I remember something that i saw or heard a long time ago: "you are not in great working order without the one who created you" something like that. Basically, that you can't function at your optimum level if you factor god out of the equation. He is the one who created you, he loves you and you need him to complete your equation, so that it makes sense and you can get a derivitive for it, and maybe even a normal. Everything's so gorgeously connected, i feel more alive today than I've felt in a million hours or seconds, or minutes. Probably minutes.
I won't quench my hopes, but i have to be realistic as well. a good balance never kills the romance quite as much as having an extreme hope just dashed to smithereens, or maybe its the opposite. But i must stay strong, i want to be friends with him. I want to frolick off into the sunset with him and all my other friends by my side. Not just him. I love him like i should a good friend...nothing more. no chemistry.

Pinkish Hopes

really...life is too precious to waste on depression. I have new hope now. Im at the final stretch of this long educational endeavour, and the time beyond it bubbles and froths deliciously, rising up in bright pink tendrils of smoke. there's new hope in that frothy goodness..maybe a pink milkshake that promises sweetness of the lips when kissed, or maybe a pink satin pillow where the tears of today mingle with the silky fabric to form memories for tomorrow. There's beauty in that pink hope, and the golden-yellow wishes people wish for me. I will wish them the same, and i make sense, and they make sense. we all make sense when we speak delicious nonsense, and therein lies the beauty of our relationships. i dont need to find someone to share my life with if it's already an open book that anyone can share in. the refusal to exclude should bring me joy instead of an inevitable sense of lustreless frankness, the frankness need not to be harsh, it could be feminine and beautiful and soft. i wont strive to be mysterious because in striving to be mysterious i take away the unconsious beauty of mystery itself. i can only be myself.

here are some things i hope to do in the time beyond. ah how formal and eloquent i feel right now. i should always write like this, instead of hiding my phrases in overly cute slang. enough with the digressions, here are my intentions:

1. go to church
2. join young variety club
3. volunteer at science world & other quality places
   
4. call up friends like poopy and affy, and maybe teresa and them too, go for dinner.
5. register for the miss teen global thing
6. go give out resumes and find a job
7. travel somewhere/ organize a short road trip
   
8. apply for scholarships
9. serious thinking about future/ goals/ dreams
10. Talk to a Uni counsellor about payment plans and faculty for career choice
    
11. work out at community center
12. get L
    
13. download music/ develop musical preferences
14. join a class for a cool hobby with a friend (maybe MC)
15. develop an awesome sense of style (sewing!)
    
16. refuse to be lazy!
17. Get a Myspace thingie
18. get back in touch with friends by updating hi5
    
19. Make website for shihan and learn webdesign
    

oversensitive

well this whole thing has got me reevalutaing my whole existence and future. it should'nt, but it has. All i can resolve right now is to be myself. i can't be the always cheerful person...but i can be always content. i mean..of course everyone has their moments but i wanna be full of energy. a person that people want to be around. i dont mind being crazy. just more toned down and wonderful. I admire AC...so sweet and calm and organized. i need some organization in my life. Other than that, i really dont know what i want to be doing with my future. im going to tidy up my room now and resolve to be confident about those exams. i gotta do what i gotta do. my friends love me and i know that they care about me even tho sometmes i get oversensitive and lash out. it doesnt matter.

sigh

ahhh i feel so depressed and alone. i should've gone out. i feel like im going to be single forever now. it's so strange..this feeling. i feel desperate and hopeless and full of negative energy all at once. there's this little ball of dread in my stomache. building upon anxiety upon anxiety until there is a tightly wound piece of black coil choking the throat in my stomache. choking it so. sadness not at having loved and lost but at having lost and never finding again. lost so completely that finding is impossible..loss of hope more significant than anything. The birds dont seem to sing no more, the sun does not come out to envelope the industrial atmosphere of scattered office buildings and the archietectural arch of mcdonalds in a beneficient light of hope. A light of tomorrow bringing new beginnings. I should've gone out.

indescribable

God has done so much for me. i may not be the perfect person for him. i may not be her. but i love god. everyone finds her adorable. god will always love me.
tender deceptions..willful lies..tragic carrying ons. how i wanted to be cheerful for u..how i repressed myself with a desire that was too innate to ignore. endless cycle of vicious self hatred and angst. understandings misunderstood...frienships lost. i need you god. i love you ineed you i miss you with all my heart. "i hope life treats you kind" is what he dreams for me. "i wish you joy" is his wish for me "i wish you love"... i need his love...i will always love god. how could i have forgotten his beauty? my constant my rock my strength. he will never decieve me.
i view god as someone sweet and beautiful...with kind eyes and loving arms. he'll put his arms around me and give me a huuuge hug and i will be beautiful. my soul will shine through. i will be fresh.

GOD...how could i have missed it

I NEED GOD!

that's the whole point behind everything. i need to go to church.

The biggest deception

i feel fine. i just wish it wasnt awkward between us now. it's still hard to believe i misread all those signals. but now that i look back on it, i know that it would never have worked out. too different. and he's too immature for me. i just wish i could hide out at home for a while. to sort out my thoughts. but i wont give him the satisfaction of having cowed me. on the other hand, a new complication has sprung up outta nowhere. somebody likes me and i think im doing the same thing to him that he did to me. im leading him on. i have to stop or i would be the worst hypocrite. but right now i dont know how i feel about him. i feel flattered but like we wouldnt fit together. i guess that's exactly how he felt. but the relentless pursuing..i dont do that. i have to go.
bye.

PS: i love this blog. you're the only thing that silently listened to me the whole time without judgement. the only thing that didnt laugh at me when it was over. only thing that didnt feel disappointed and betrayed. i've documented the rise and fall of my liking for him...the biggest deception of my life.

...

i feel so weird. so foolish and empty and like i lost all my self confidence. i know i'll bounce back eventually, but i dont wanna think about this at all. i realize that i never liked him now. wow...what a waste of my time. but i dont think i ever did...we never had that spark between us. maybe we did, but i havent felt it recently. only awkwardness. it wasnt meant to be and now i know it. he feels more comfortable and at home with her...sometimes i feel like he's decieving himself too. just because i'm not someone he's comfortable with.
i cant wait till this is all over. to just relax and let it go. that's when my life will begin. i'll make it happen and i'll never give up on my dreams.
just wish this awkwardness would go away.

Over

yeah it's over. i asked him and its over. sadly i dont feel sad at all. i think i knew this wasnt meant to be from the very beginning. it doesnt happen like that. i was dreaming in a world full of deception. besides, i have so much more to offer than he is capable of recieving. than she is capable of giving. wow. i really thought he did like me. but as soon as i asked, the conquest is over. just another name to add to the pile. well that's y i dont feel sad. all those things he said about using ppl and those sweet htings...mean nothing. i'll never let a snake like that get close to me. the deception is just too much. i dont know how im gonna handle classes tomoro. but i somehow will and it'll only make me stronger. he'll prolly tell all his friends...they'll all know that i was humiliated...that'll be the end of that. the way he laughed when he said stuff...wow.

Cry me a Riverrrr

Im so confused. About relationships that is. I dont know how to make myself vulnerable like im supposed to. And what is realistic to expect from a relationship. Im so inexperienced that i feel like im not ready for anything. Maybe I haven't found myself yet. But i really do know that i want someone who makes me feel special. Makes me feel like im the only girl in the world for him. I dont want to be the "yeah whatever..im dating her but i cant flirt with u too" kinda girlfriend for someone. I want to be the "that;s HER" kinda girlfriend.
I would feel dissatisfied with anything less. But i dont know how to communicate. How to make myself vulnerable. Maybe the shorty is right. i wish he was more like the shorty. i like shorty..his personality is so sexy and smart and overall a beautiful person. How come i dont like HIM then? ahhh nothing makes sense. I DONT FEEL SPECIAL TO HIM!!! JERK. but i cant ask him to make me feel special. sigh.
maybe im crying because of the stress. maybe im crying for unknown reasons. maybe its him.
whatever it is, im crying.

Vent vent vent...

Sometimes i feel like the whole world is conspiring against me. That no matter how hard I try, I can't overcome some things. Like no matter what i do, i won't get as good a mark as some people in my class who usually do well. One of my theories is that if i exchanged a paper with one of the smarties (i will refer to the smart ones from now on as smarties) , i bet the i would get a sub-par mark that is reflective of my supposed ability. Of course, the smarty would get a wonderful mark with my work. Its so unfair. Everyone's so biased. Some people get all the help they can get because the teachers think they are most likely to succeeed. I dont care though, its not gonna stop me doing my best. Just wanted to vent about the monstrosity of it all.
Other than that, i really don't know how im going to finish all my studying. But i think i'll manage if i dont get too distracted by things. Library just aint gonna work. Maybe for studying math or something.