Ready to RUMBLE!

Who says I can't blog twice in a day?

Well, this blog is about an entirely different topic. It's about how intense I have to be in the next month. I need to emotionally prepare myself. Once history is handed in, chemistry labs all finished up, and bio labs are all in order, i have nothing else to worry about. So after that i'm going to go busy myself in that cute little library, and hide out there. I'll also set up notes in my room and house and every other place i linger at...and record notes on my mp3. I need to withdraw within myself for my focus to be completely dead on. Come may i should be READY TO R U M B L E.

At the same time, I can't forget about relationships for 2 whole months. This is cuz they're delicate things...so u always need to take care of them. I need to spend time with the hoe. he's such a cute little hoe sometimes that i just wanna hug him forever. aw how i luv that guy...if only i can show it the way i want to. ahhh so cute sometimes i can't stand it. somebody should kill him so i can focus...aww nooooo i'd be too sad to focus then. i would miss my....ok this is pathetic. I'm gonna go finish history.

In Looooveee

he's so wonderful and he's taught me so much. im so in love that it's crazy. its spring and im in love. i can't wait for everything to be over so i can be with him. i hope something happens. I think it'll be upto me to make a move.

eye on the ball!

maybe never give up...but know when to let go. Im just gonna sit back and watch right now...let it all unfold while i study. I remember what neri said: "dnt let him interfer wit ur exams cuz its way more important bt if u really luv this guy take it frm me dnt let him go cuz u wil regret it later"
i dont know if i wanna love someone who has so many other influences in his life. but i'll just get it all outta my system now and focus. cuz its crunch-time now...and i need focus.
FOCUS!

Never give up!

I will never give up. I watched something today that inspired me. We're all like that, and nothing will change that fact. Memoirs of a Geisha. she never gave up..even in the midst of all she had to endure. I will be like that too.

Why do we let people hurt us? why do we leave ourselves vulnerable to pain when its obvious that the pain is inevitable? i don't understand. i never will. and the pain just wont go away. im just ridiculous, a plaything, a plaything who's feelings can be played with and discarded. while u spend countless hours with her, im just someone that's entertaining when there's nothing else to do. that hurts. im silly, yes. im ugly, yeah. but im beautiful inside. i have so much love to give, i can love beautifully. if only u knew how much pain ur causing me...maybe u might regret it. regret using me. regret using my heart like that. wut am i to u? nothing. oh wait...plaything.

i remember wut she said. she was right. i was so blinded and wrong.

Cheer Up!

I need motivation...there's only two more "real" months of school left. I need dazzle and sparkle in my life. Really, my life would be wonderful if i could jsut learn how to appreciate it. Grow up. That's what i need to do. See, its all situational. If i were in Africa right now, in some remote mosquito infested region and had to walk thousands of miles to get food in the gleaming hot sun, then yeah i would appreciate the wonderful life I have right now. But when u see ppl who are equally blessed everywhere around you, then its really hard to be thankful.
But I have a cute little life i suppose. I should dress up and be a doll like i usually am and just cheer up. Depression is just tiring..drains all your energy. Well tomoro i'm gonna go on an adventure and forget all my life's stresses.
My Motivation= A life of community involvement after high school. I will participate in some competitions like that Teen Global thing. Meet new people by getting out there more. Take up a wonderful hobby like watercolor painting or sewing. Go on little adventures everyday. be BUSY.

Graduation will be awesome...and if i pass with flying colors, it'll be even more awesome.

So i must study hard and do well. I must stick to study schedules right now...be happy with my life. and make the best of whatever comes my way!! there are ppl who admire us...even tho we don't always know it. So we must keep smiling for them.

Well today was strange. i have this strange feeling that its not gonna work out. we're trying so hard but its not gonna work. I cant be forever optimistic u knw. she is always there and i cant forget this. My mind's a mess. her "profound" observations delight everyone...she's like a little baby people coo over..dote over..fall in love with. I dont care...i dont know hre and i dont get her. I dont see all the wonder.
Sometimes i see a person who is kind of mean. Maybe its better than my insincere smiles. But really...i dont hate anyone. Im just weird. She's weird too except apparently weird in a wonderful way that i cant see. Well they deserve each other. just be together already. Nothing makes sense. i dont make sense. He makes no sense. She in her nonsense is the only one who makes sense.
I really dont give a damn about punctuation anymore...ill just use periods to accentuate everything. i dont think i could function without the period. its so useful. what am i jabbering on about. huh. she does this and everyone finds it chaarmind. its disgusting. lol am i jealous? im rarely every jealous but hwen i am i get hysterical. urgh i wish he wasnt such a dope. why did i have to fall for a dope? now all i can do is hope he doenst like her. ahhhh.

Outta my grooove..

Well..things have been a roller coaster since my last 2 posts. I've been knocked out of it for a couple of weeks and i've been out of my groove lately. I don't feel that feeling anymore. I feel like the world is conspiring to keep us apart. And that im actually helping them by being so shy and afraid. I need to get it out in the opne because if i dont, then who will? It seems more and more like they like each other...so why do i keep getting in the way? i don't know. I'm really sensitive when it comes to emotions. At the slightest sign of unwantedness or rejection..i run like a lunatic. I dont know what's wrong with me. Its weird cuz what's a little rejection? I hate this. I hate feelings.

But it is spring! And its beautiful. Sunny outside, birds chirping their hearts away. I need to get on with my studying though. So off i gooo!
Muahz