lol

All i can say about my last blog is...disgusting!

At Last

At last my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
At last the skies above are blue
And my heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I can speak to
A dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
You smiled, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
And you are mine at last

It's going to be s p r i n g soon, and i feel like a million bucks. I always knew love could feel really really good. mmm I appreciate this feeling fully. It's like cheesecake, so smooth and fresh, sliding down my throat and filling me with an inexplicable feeling of joy and well being. We were meant to love, and i can forgive anyone for anything right now because they might not be feeling this and i feel bad if they dont.
I feel like a new person...i new more godly person. I should've gone to church today. I say that every sunday but i really mean it today. I will go next sunday for sure. Hmm and my new fav colors? green, yellow, pink, and orange. I pick orange as my absolute favourite cuz its e x o t i c like me, passionate like me, kind like me, sympathetic like me, and LOOOVEEDDD like me!!! off to do some actual work now!
muahz.

My Short-Term Life Plan

Why am i so mean? with my e-brakes, and my little games, and my inability to communicate? I'm so hopeless and he puts up with it. how can i not love him? If i didnt already, the fact that he's so kind would make me. As it is, it's a justification for why i like him so much. In truth though, i cant really explain why i do. It just fits. i feel like i've found someone very special. somebody who would complete me. feed into those little nooks and crannies that i can't fill by myself. literally figuratively, metaphorically..in every way. He's like my enzyme and im the substrate..LOL. i hope he binds to me soon. aww he'll make me carry out my process. haha everything i learn in school fits so well in life. I really feel sorry for anyone who hasnt had the opportunity to learn the things that i have...and i envy those who have learned more.
No...right now i dont envy anyone but myself. im so lucky to have found him. throughout the past year things have been growing and evolving and changing. i've liked him hated him been frustrated by him...and the end result? im in luv with him. completely and utterly.
Of course he doesnt like her. He was more like trying to get back at me for being so unethical. well anyways i gotta stop this flirting around business...im so in the habit now that i cant stop. But i dont wanna hurt ppl or lead them on in any way. So i gotta take a step back.
I also need a plan. A plan to help me get through the next few months without having a breakdown or compromising myself in any way. not sexually mind you...i only WISH i had sexual compromising to worry about. turns out its something more serious...my entire future rests within such a compact time frame. i gotta get my act together. So here;s the plan:

The Plan

1. Do NOT go online for more than 3 hours. you're not gonna get much done anyway so might as well not do anything else in that time.
2. Review at least SOMETHING every day. doesnt matter if its just a page of notes or something. everyday must accomplish something towards that goal.
3. Finish all IA's and assessments FAST.
   
4. Excercise at least twice a week no matter what--> Helps concentration
5. Stick rigorously to schedule.
   

It Only Hurts When Im Breathing

she's smart, she's funny, she's cute. he is more or less the same. Maybe they should be together...even tho it would break my heart. meh w/e. but i sort of feel sad already...its like an icy cold finger creeping up my heart and my chest feels tight. owww. i know that there is the possibility that i sometimes unknowignly hurt him too...i dont mean to...and i hope this is not some sort of payback for it...actually i hope it is. I would be happy if it were just that and not really wut it looks like. i feel sad. really really sad when i think of them together. ahhh betrayal and hurt. I just hate those emotions. imagine them sitting together laughing about things like they always do...imagine him messing up her hair like he messes up mine...him smiling at her with that look in his eyes...ouuuchhhh.
This reminds me of taht song "it only hurts when im breathing"..im too lazt to explain why.

E-Brake

I think i need to apply the brakes for my emotions: an Emotional-Brake. I think that this E-brake will be my saving grace...keep me from going insane trying to figure out the complex tangle of messy hair that is our relationship. All i can do at this point is keep it simple. KISS...keep it simple stupid. Yeah..so this is my rationale: If he's playing me, im playing him too. I gotta ask sometime soon but until then just keep in mind that he's the one losing out. I mean comon...not to be cocky, but he will be missing out on a lot. hah

1. Be honest
2. dont listen to "friends"
3. dont talk obsessively about him
4. dont give out details of anything we do together to ppl
5. pretend we're essentially just friends whenever there's ppl around
6. play him a little, but not too much.

I mean, if he can flirt around...then so can i. Remember the conclusion i reached before? you can only depend on yourself...and NOBODY else. Especially not "friends" who arent friends at all. I cant wait till we finish school...just to get away from her. Right now its a friendship of neccessity. I hope to end it soon before i get poisoned by her cynicism. Im glad i've resisted it so far but comon...she's so ugly in her meanness and her extreme competetiveness. Something human is lacking. She's always out to manipulate..even her offers at help arent really offers at all because she doesnt intend on following through with them. So please...DONT listen to her. DONT let her poison you. DONT let her run your life. Put on ur E-brake and hope you dont crash and burn.

Panic Attack!

omgomgomg....he could seriously like her! i have proof. Would he do that? Would she do that? ahhhh paranoia....i dunno wut to do now. I need to know FAST. When when when? There's no appropriate time...there is NO TIME. thats appropriate. I feel a funeral..my senses....ahhhhhh--

Sorry

He puts up with so much crap from me. Such a sweet person. Last night somebody said that he wasnt worth liking for over a year..the implication was that im pathetic for liking him for a long time...the first response i could think of was "aww you dont think he's worth liking? He;s such a sweet person" I was more offended for his sake than mine. weird.
Ah it amazes me how good some people are. Why cant i be more like that? I was pmsing big time the last time i blogged and i regret everything i did that day. Just cuz i was blinded by expecatations i didnt think abt reality. Women ARE removed from reality and living in a world of our own...its true. Oh well. Im sorry. Im sorry for not keeping my promises, im sorry for expecting unrealistically, im sorry for flirting with other ppl, im sorry for hurting you in any way.

Expectations

We all have expectations. I expected to be treated in a special way today because i thought we had something that's, for lack of a better word, not unspecial. I dont know what i expected really, but just something that would've let me know that im special to him. The little things that made it a bit more special were really even more unspecial in the pathetic-ness of the attempt. He tried to make everyone happy and that only makes the ppl that u want to make happy, unhappy. I dont know...maybe if he made it a bit more "special".
I really like being romanced...especially if the person romancing me is the person i like. But today just mad e it seem so blah. I feel depressed and stupid. Everyone is making fun of me prolly cuz i like him...even ppl who are supposed to be my friends. I dont get it...what is wrong with my life? A few days ago i was on top of the world. Now i feel so down.
Also another bad news came today...im not gonna be accepted into my choice of university right away. While others will be. I dont know...it just makes me feel useless. All this effort and no guaranteed spot. Its not so bad i guess...i just feel weird. Especially coming on top of that. If he had made me feel special i wouldnt have been this down. Or if i got into my first choice uni his actions wouldnt have had such a toll on me. But at the end of the day...the combination of those two things is killing me. I feel mad. maybe he really doesnt care...if he cant show he cares right now then i dont wanna know it. I shouldnt have told him all that crap cuz i dont wanna anymore....i hate him. really.

Please Focus

Well that's it..i finally told him i would tell him. Now i must. It would be cruel if i didnt now. Sometimes i wish i were more like her..see i knew she liked him. I guess that's the news that pushed me over the edge. I knew it was an educated guess but still...i sympathize with her. I admire her courage. We're both connected unknown through this.

Us 3...We're friends..real friends. I just realized that yesterday. well i dont think of K as part of that because she only wants friendship for of wut it can DO for HER. because im always there she takes me for granted, so now she cant have my friendship. She doesnt do anything she doesnt feel like doing. even when its to help out a friend. She's blunt, she embarasses me, she has no self respect and the list goes on. To an extent, a friend who smokes pot, does drugs, is a total slut, but doesnt press you to do the same, is a better friend that her.
I have so much to do now...the work is piling up. I feel bad for my lil lover boy too..lol. I really really feel bad for him for being all involved in my mess. he doesnt deserve all this crap when there's many things that need focus going on right now.

Me too...i need to focus now. I should start studying for exams...and then there's the papers to write. arghhh. im gonna go do it. just keep repeating "get out get out get out" to get those thoughts of him out of my head.

Independence Day

It's getting old now...me ranting on about how i can't get over him to the emptiness of the blogging world. I'm hiding myself in this blanket of nothingness where nobody knows me, and i know nobody. BUT..i've been thinking. Should I tell him? I mean, it's pretty obvious already. I dont think there's anything to say anyway. But then sometimes i see him do things that make me jealous. I know its unreasonable and totally unjustified..but i cant help feeling a bit resentful when he carries on with some girl. I noticed that he always pays me the most attention tho. Hmm interesting. This guy is weird i tell ya. Or maybe im just oversensitive towards him. Anyhow i think i should tell him...we cant go on like this a lot longer. I think i might explode. I mean, what the heck are we waiting for? I dont wanna go out or anything but comon...we spend an indecent amount of time talking to each other, we practically have the SAME LIFE..so wut's the problem? Well i dont know. well there's several that i can think of off the top of my head:
1. No time
2. He's too immature to be in a relationship right now
3. Hell make me lose my focus..i might do the same for him
4. Ppl might think he's too hot for me

Well looking at that...i dont think they're good reasons to keep us apart at all...but soon those things will be gone. I'll stop pmsing and my insecurities will go away...and the rest will take about another 3 or 4 months. And then we'll be free. I dont think i can hold on though.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and also..i meant to blog about this yesterday but my friends...i realized i dont really have any. This world is so cruel and it demands that u be independant. Maybe i cant even depend on HIM anymore. hmm

The Silken Tent

She is as in a field a silken tent
At midday when the sunny summer breeze
Has dried the dew and all its ropes relent,
So that in guys it gently sways at ease,
And its supporting central cedar pole,
That is its pinnacle to heavenward
And signifies the sureness of the soul,
Seems to owe naught to any single cord,
But strictly held by none, is loosely bound
By countless silken ties of love and thought
To everything on earth the compass round,
And only by one's going slightly taut
In the capriciousness of summer air
Is of the slightest bondage made aware.

I wish somoene wrote ME this poem..ahh so beautiful. If the poem was talking about me I woud be the silken tent and when at midday, the I reach the peak of my life, and a beautiful summer breeze of love stretches out the bondages of the ropes holding me down, i can reach heavenward with my soul. With the central supporting ceder pole, the "guy" in my life, i could be set free. But i would ultimately be tied down to earth, with the slightest bondage. "So that in guys it gently sways at ease"...Frost is talking about a flirt, who is only tied down when the main guy asserts his love and tautens the ropes a bit "slightest bondage made aware". Countless silken ties of love and thought.....ahhh so beautiful!!!

Communicate shomunicate

Paranoid...yeah im paranoid.
I dont want to be liked by anyone sometimes. Sometimes i feel like if you didnt like me, i couldnt possibly go on. I dont want you to look at me at times because im scared you'd find some imperfection in me and stop liking me. Sometimes i wish you wouldnt stop looking at me at all. I dont know how to communicate with you and its frustrating the hell outta me. I wanna say sorry but i cant bring myself to. I dont know what you're doing. I wish you'd tell me more often that im special. Maybe its because i dont make yOU feel special. Im going to make a consious effort to make you feel good now. Im such a bad supporter...i dont want you to stop loving me.
I take it for granted that you like me now...i could write down every little thing you do tat makes me know this...but i wont because that wouldnt make it so special anymore. I do weird things sometimes, and i know im unique. Just sometimes i dont feel like you think im unique...i feel like one among a million. I hate that feeling...i want you to make me feel special. There.
Now why cant i just say that to you?

What's up?

Im only kidding
I love you the best. Lol. I wouldnt change any part of you.
Even though it frustrates me sometimes..i accept it as all part and parcel of you. If you were perfect i wouldnt love you in the same way. I guess its all for the best. I only hope you know that.