Because I'm a girl

Because I'm a girl
I can't help loving you
even when you reject me
I come back because i love you
When i think you like someone else
i still cant help feeling you're beautiful
perfect
everything i ever wanted
Even when you seem to have stopped loving me

If you give a guy everything he wants, he'll soon grow bored of you

Am i the only one sitting here missing you?
Dont u feel anything for me?
Is it true that you like your friend in that way?

If that's true then i must harden myself.
Because i dont think i can survive being hurt by someone i love so much
You're not there...so it must be true

Well i finished a lot of my hw today. I have to get my life back on track. Set my priorities straight. Come to terms with the fact that its not gonna happen anytime soon. I dont know how im gonna do it. Get over him i mean. It seems to everyone as if im the one doing all the loving...that he doesnt like me in return...Is it only me who sees all these sweet things that he does? Maybe its wishful thinking and i've deluded myself? Those ksecret looks, sweet words, the way he tries to touch me for no reason..maybe they're all just illusion.
But i also saw the way he once looked at her...i will always remember it...the day i told him, he looked at her in the same way he looks at me now. Affection...that's what i saw. Maybe he likes us both...maybe he likes her...maybe he likes us both as just friends. He had known her for so long. I dont even know why i bother.

It seems to me that i have to come to terms with my worth first, before expecting everyone else to see it i mean. Well, it doesnt help when my own friends see him as more worthy. W/e. I'm over my little emotional moment...i've got to be cold and ruthless. He doesnt deserve me. i dont care who i hurt...IM not gonna get hurt. Im out.

Five-Point Plan

Im not exactly sure why i like him so much? Is it something very deep? Or is he really using me like she's saying? Im not sure who i should believe...but i dont think i should believe her for sure. Her advice is like a wavering ocean. CHanges from one minute to the next depending on her mood and level of self confidence. I dont think he's using me but i think it's time i cooled my feelings off a bit. Draw back..be a bit more cold. Not as available.
He cant play me because im not one of those people that are willing to played because they love someone so much. No matter how much i like him, i like myself even more. And i respect myself enough to give myself the dignity of not being his little backup plan. It seems a very insecure thing to say...why would he be using me in the first place? As he said..he doesnt need anything from me. ( Although i wish he did...i wish he needed me to like him)...anyway it's just that im very gaurded about my feelings...im not sure why i get hurt so easily. But i cant stand to be in emotional pain. It distracts me liek a mother.
Well its really time to cool off as i said before. If we keep on going like this without an outlet we're gonna end up frustrated. So till we have an outlet...it's best to cool off. Besides there's 3 months left of school and i need to concentrate. So this is my plan:
1. Finish all IA's to the best of my ability
2. Start forming study plans for each subject
3. Keep up with hw as much as possible...only go online once u have finished the essential stuff.
4. Focus on getting a great diploma.
5. Apply to scholarships.

There's my five-point plan. Just like Mao's and Stalin's Five Year Plans. These however, better work...or else.
A 6th point could be added...forget him as much as possible.
Even though i dont want to...unless he shows more interest...i cant keep on loving him.
I dont want to be hurt.

Indecent Proposal

I just finished watching that movie. It's very touching and sweet. Two people so much in love that they were ultimately invincible.


"Things that people do when they're in love...they never forget. And if they stay together, it's not because they forgot, but forgave."

Ruts, Tires, And Lovesick Contemplations In General

Well i got all the mushiness outta me with that last blog. Now for some real practical reflections. Hmm my friend made an interesting point yesterday. Why do i fear getting close to him? I've asked myself that...and its because im scared that he wont like me if he sees me up close...with all my stupid flaws and imperfections. He might think im ugly..that im stupid..that im not wut he wants at all. I think only girls feel this way...as if they're so insecure when they fall in love as to think the guy is better than them in every way. I know a lot of girls who feel the same way...whew, im not the only one. Seriously tho, she was saying that i shouldnt worry so much because he's liked me for so long. Seen me through all my embarassments and seen all my flaws. She's right!!...even tho the jury is still out on whether he likes me or not. I still feel nervous around him and that's holding us up. Our progress is sooo slow. But i think we have a solid and strong relationship so far. Be it friends..or just beyond friends and before something else. I think its more of the latter...
we're just stuck in a rut...but the tires are only getting stronger instead of balder.

I dont deserve you

Im too selfish, unkind, depressing and weird to deserve you. You make me cry becaue you're so sweet. But everything i can't say to you is bottling up inside of me, and i feel like im about to exlpode. I can tell that i mean a lot to you...by what u did today. I dont think i can ever love anyone more than i love you. This is allll of my love...i wanna give it all to u...and even then, i dont think it's as much as u deserve. I wanna love you till my heart explodes. i wanna take care of you and hug you when u need a hug. I wanna be able to come to u to cry on ur shoulder...to be there for u too. ahhh how can i be so in love? this hurts...i cant even concentrate on what im supposed to be doing. And i dont think my love for you could be purer. I might only be 18...but i feel like i'm loving with a maturity thats past hormone...and all that. Altho..i gotta admit...u turn me on loll. hmm Its all ur fault. u love me more than i deserve.
But even tho i shouldnt feel that way, a nagging little voice at the back of my head says "maybe he's just pretending"....maybe he just wants to be friends. I dont think i cant take it if he does that. i would be so hurt. Even thinking about it hurts. i hope it works out okay...cuz i really really need him.

I need your love

How do i get through?? Week after week spent missing you. A burning ache so intense that my whole soul seems to cry out to you. I need you to hold me...to tell me that you love me. I wanna look into your beautiful brown eyes...see the kindness there. See the love that you show in little ways every day reflected through them. I wanna be with you, lying next to each other. i want to reassure you that one day, i will say that i love you forever. I wanna love you the way you deserve to be loved. Please love me too. Even though i say i dont, i miss you so much. I cant live without you.
i cant take this pain any longer.
my eyes hurt from crying...my sadness is too deep.
nothing will solve this
except your love.

Fat elephants and Deliciousness

Something very good to eat. Some sort of smooth cheesecake I want to be full of. I wanna taste the deliciousness.
Time spent missing you is time wasted
time is not time at all when spent
without u
every minute ticks by
the clock seems to stretch reality
how can i move on?

Rainy winter days. Umbrellas pink, brown, and black. You with your arms so beautiful. Me checking out other guys but thinking only of you. Perfection seems skewed by ideals that had vanished. Did i ever have ideals that don't include you? Masculine perfection? you embody my perfection...ur flaws only make you more perfect. Could i be more in love? Would tomoro intensify the intensity even more? The flame might burn itself out, without the fuel to refuel it. I need you. now.