JERKKKKKKKK

wow....he has the power to make me happy and sad within hours. Im so angry and sad right now..even tho its nothing it really hurt me> mostly because i had just defended him to my friend. And then he turns around and does that. Ill write down wut she said about him. i told him i still liked him and she starts laughin..and then she tells me he's using me. he only turns on the charm when he thinks someone is getting over him. I didnt know whether to believe her or not so i just laughed it off. i know that she's sort of jealous. not cause she likes him now...im sure she doesnt. But because he represents something that she couldnt get. And if i get him then maybe unconciously it means that i have something she doesnt. I think tina feels the same way abt the thing. After u like somone its hard to let go completely. Even tho u dont like that person anymore..a part of u that liked him will continue to live in u. u cant completely let go of any experience u had. I do wish she could be a good friend and not laugh at me. Anywayz back to why i feel sad...he turns around and says something. I dont wanna even write it. Basically i just feel like i cant make him happy. And that makes me sad obviously..becaues i really want to. I feel like he doesnt want me for who i am. well its ok...lots of ppl do. Ill just go find someone who appreciates me. I hate him...after i defended him too. I always defend him cuz i luv him. and he doesnt care. i feel so pathetic and useless....he really doesnt care abt my feelings. why do i put with all of this? i really do love him. even tho i hate him...i still love him. i can never think of him too badly. he IS a jerk sometimes tho. aghhhhhhhhhhhhh

nothingness

So many days missing him. I've written many blogs on this topic...and i've missed him many times when i didnt write blogs. I really wanna describe the feeling i get when im feeling sad and missing someone. Ok im gonna try right now. the middle of my chest feels heavy...like that feeling u get when u try to eat cotton...or stuff cotton in ur mouth. It feels somewhat sticky yet dry. I imagine capillaries filled with blood flowing through my body...and stopping right at the middle of my chest and just running into each other...forming a congealed bloody mess there. and then i cant breathe. My lungs constrict. i want it to end so bad...i would do anything. But there's nothign to do. Im lost. My heart is playing tricks on me. Fate is tempting me...i feel tricked into believing in something that doesnt exist. I feel used. but the weirdest thing is that i feel even worse if i think he feels what im feeling right now...even tho he's the cause of all this.
i cant talk abt this anymore...im out.

ahhh!!...looming, dark monster, thy name is future.

I cant avoid the "career question" any longer. Just like the korean question, the nuclear weapons questions, and many other famous "questions" in world history, the answer to this question will have a huge impact on the person asking it, ME. I dont exactly know what i should be going into. Apparently there is no future in marketing since its hard to land a job...too much ppl. I've always liked biology so i think its something that i should stick to. Still...i want to be at a job where im happy. And i dont want to switch midway...i dont wanna end up career hopping like some freak.

What will I be doing in 10 years? WIll i be happy? I really really hope that i am happy. I've finally hit that wall and managed to storm it. I hadn't even realized how i managed to get through that brick wall so elegantly. It was so subtle that i missed the defining moment. But i have changed...im stronger now..more confident. Im sure of myself and what i do. Maybe not to the extent i want to be, but still, i know how to be happy and laugh and smile. I know how to appreciate the details like the symbolic representation of the red door in american beauty. I watch out for those little moments now. I appreciate them fully. Ironically, in looking for the small things, i have missed catching myself at that same act..if that makes sense. Maybe in 10 years it'll cease to make sense to me...but right now it does.

I realized all this during the pajama day on thursday at school. I was so happy, so content, so bursting with vitality and joy. I was at home at britannia. My domain..where i had learned so many things. WHere i had matured so beautifully. Im a beautiful person now. Look at how i look at both sides of a question and provide counter arguments (damn that TOK)...look at how i find hapiness in loving somebody and not being afraid to show it...just see me laughing at stupid jokes and seeing the profound nature concealed in innocent remarks....look at how i take pictures without hiding myself....look at how i look at myself in the mirror with joy...not at my external appearance, but the beauty i see within...so beautiful that im in love with myself. Lol...and in being in love with myself i am able to be in love with others.

This is shaping upto be another long blog. Well before i get carried away with all this romantic nonsese, i should write down exactly what i want to accomplish in these 2 weeks of break. I want to...
finish my ee
do the math portfolio
finish applying to ubc
apply for a scolarship
review history
review spanish
do notes for english orals

wow....that's SO Much stuff to do. I can check off application to ubc tho...i finished that yesterday. Now i just need to go and talk to an academic advisor.

Acceptance

You know, sometimes when things persistently and stubbornly continue in the same manner...in an agonizingly slow progress...you just have to accept it and realize that the end result will be worth it. Whether at the end i get what i want...and what i think HE wants too..or whether its heartache and the end of a sweet friendship...i think i should just accept things as they are. Not try to get over him...not force myself to stop feeling..and definitely not get angry over every little thing. Yes acceptance...that's what this is teaching me.

We're inching towards something here...and its sooooo slow that you could barely see it. One wouldnt notice anything if they werent paying the most obsessive attention. But we are...i know it, and i dont feel the need to explain it...and its alright with me. Sometimes we take a tiny step forward and then the very next day somebody does something wrong and we take two steps back. But i feel like we're still moving forward. and im happy. There might be days when i feel like its hopeless..as i already have in the past *eye roll* MANY times. but its alright...
i am alright.

I think i love you...cause i miss you

i feel so lonely. I miss him. But wut can i do? nothing. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHFAKJ FNS KGWGJLENMDSJKFH. I feel like the poor dog stranded outside my door. Its sick and there's nobody to take care of it. It was so cold and shivering in my back yard. I dont know what it wants but i just sympathize because i feel this deep sadness inside me that i feel like he's feeling too.. Its so stranded and alone. i need him so bad. I cant go on. I dont know how im gonna survive for so long. Its funny how love is so universal..everywhere ppl have the same problems. No matter what language u speak, what race u are..what country ur from..u love the same way. U encounter the same problems while loving someone. Here's an example..a korean song. These are the lyrics translated into english. I feel the exact same way...every single word applies.
It can't be, it probably isn't, that's what I believed
There's no way that I could love you
It's just jealousy, I must be lonely
I tried fooling myself, but I can't hide it any longer
I Think I Love You
It must be true
Cause I Miss You
Whenever you're not here
I can't do anything
I keep thinking of you
See what's happening,
I`m Falling For You
I didn't know before, Now I Need You
Sometime, in the depths of my heart
I can see that you've taken root in my soul

They say we're not good together, that we should just be friends,
From one to ten, we can't agree on anything,
How can we be together? It's not an option
I kept telling myself that, but I don't want to anymore
I Think I Love You
It must be true
Cause I Miss You
Whenever you're not here
I can't do anything
I keep thinking of you
See what's happening,
I`m Falling For You
I didn't know, Now I Need You
Sometime, in the depths of my heart
I can see that you've taken root in my soul

Why couldn't I see it was you? Woo~
Why couldn't I see you when you were right before my eyes? Hoo~yeah~
You were beside me all along
It's now that I finally see you, Hoo-
I Think I Love You~
It must be true
Cause I Miss You~
Whenever you're not here
I can't do anything
I keep thinking of you
See what's happening,
I`m Falling For You~
I didn't know, Now I Need You~
Sometime, in the depths of my heart
I can see that you've taken root in my soul~

Will i ever?

Will i ever find the right one? And will that someone love me back too? Finding the right one isnt enough...u gotta have both. So i think the phrase that ppl should use is "find the right one that loves u". Anyhow...im so confused. I really dont know what to do. Im getting tired of this game. Always give a little take a little...when i wanna jump in and give all and take everything! I wanna be consumed and empowered with what i knw im capable of. Im talking abt loving someone so much that it hurts. emotionally. it already hurts that i cant do that. I cant just love anyone. I want the one that i want. Im scared to wait. Im scared to not wait. Im scared that if the phone rings, i wont hear it. Im scared of waiting forever and never hearing it ring. Maybe i should forget this. But im so incapable. Am i hurting myself by doing this? Is it best to just let go? But what if letting go means losing a great part of what could potentially be my hapiness. I dont know. I simply dont know. What about my future? Should i compromise my dreams for something that im not even sure will happen? Even if things dont work out..and that wasnt in the backburner complicating things, would i really wanna go for something that's so isolating? Do i wanna go for IT? Will going for my dreams compromise who i am as a person? Am i strong enough to withhold the pressure yet? Am i mature enough? Am i learning what im supposed to be learning at school? The lessons that will teach me things i'll know forever. You know what? i bet he's gotten over me. im just a fool. a fool who's in love with noone. an imaginary person that i imagine loves me back. im stupid. who can ever love me when i chase everyone away? When i scare ppl that i love and chase them far far away from me. when i make them so uncomfortable. when i dont know how to act or what to say. when i so not attractive. When they dont want what i have to give. i cant give anymore. i cant give to emptiness. I feel like something's eating my heart from the inside...something is spreading and i have no container to put that thing in. To stop it from spreading and killing me. This is how i feel right now and i should never laugh it away. Im allowed to feel even if not at liberty to do other things. there are no words to express how i feel right now..and even if they do exist i dont know them.