When things go wrong...

I feel so angry. Damn it. So betrayed and used. It feels like im being dangled and played around with. Maybe he's making up his mind while im being all in lvoe with him. Wut if he decides that he doesnt like me? Will he continue this charade? I hate him right now. Man he causes me so much pain and heartache. I dont even feel sad today tho. Just really angry. how dare he. I know that its prolly not fair to expect him to have asked me along but still...he should've. At least mentioned something but nooooo. he should just be with his ex. They're perfect together anyway. yeah ppl are right..we're not good with each other. even tho i think so right now we're not. OK im gonna stop liking him. This is so annoying. But its ok im gonna do it. I dont feel anything towards him right now. Good...i dont go all "Aww he's so cute" anymore. This is the first step. And u knw wut? he doesnt deserve me. Im smarter and sexier than that. He cant appreciate me fully because he doesnt know what a real woman is like. He's so ignorant and childish...wuts he gonna do with me? I deserve someone mature....a MAN...not a mere boy. and he's so ugly sometimes..yeah the way he says childish words...the way he tried to make ppl jealous...the way he argues...so stupid. And up close he really is not taht great looking. So gross...and he's so cocky and vain. He has nothing to be cocky about. Man those blk guys are really hot but HIM...he has nothing. I dont think he's very sexy sometimes...he looks hot sometimes but downright ugly at others. And he's so not calm like a guy should be. Q's right...he's so feminine. I shouldnt have defended him. He's so weird. omg this is stupid. I hate him im not gonna like him okay? Im reall not. He can be with his ex. And ill find someone HOT and sexy...someone who can handle me. Someone i could do strip dances for...lol. Someone who knows how to be a real man. ok this is productive. Now to think of my ideal guy...ok it would be someone tall and handsome obviously. Cute sense of humour...able to be sexy. As in make me jealous a bit and then turn around and b erealllllyy sweet to me like he doesnt care abt any other girl. And whom i can make a lil jealous sometimes with my antics. Someone who is amused by me...not annoyed. Someone who plays around with me and who's my best friend. Who doesnt let some OTHER woman control his life. I dont like him cuz he's already whipped by H. So y the heck doesnt he just go out with H? omg ex and H and T and soo many ppl. all this competition...i dont think its good. Its not like its one or two...there's a MILLION possibilities and only a guy who is so immature and seeks attention will try to make "frirneds" with all those girls. I dont want anyone like that. Omg i made a bad decision. now im stuck forever...i let some fantasy sweep me away and now its over and IM STUCK. its ok i think this is the best decision either way. Parents are so right. You wake up from ur euphoria and u realize u were living in ur own mind...not out there and ppl who have already lived both out there and IN there...know the difference so they try to tell u. But no i cant keep straight the inside vs outside aspects of my life. Im like hamlet..plagued by indecision and its tragic. In the end im just gonna die but i wanna get something done before i die. I wanna feel alive and LOVE before i die. Ok im gonna go do tok now. Bye

Judgement Day

ahhhhhh.......why? i dunno...i feel like eric today. all depressed and pessimistic. i dont feel like saying anything. i dunno y i started to write...id rather keep my feelings to myself. They're too precious and too private to even put it down somewhere where nobody i know would see. I just feel sad today. But this blog helps me deal with it so that's y i blog here. I dont need to justify my thoughts here like i do elsewhere..there doesnt need to be a reason...my grammar doesnt need to be perfect...nobody's marking me on clarity and links and counter arguments. Nobody is judging me except myself. I judge myself. Its ok...im not perfect but at least i know what i am capable of. I dont know if im capable of carrying on like this. But what am i supposed to do? give up? I dont want to. I guess only time will tell. But i must say...im getting pretty desperate. I feel really lonely and nobody can take away that feeling except him. Even when im surrounded by friends..ppl who love me and ppl who admire me....i want him. I could never help what i wanted and now i want him really really bad.

Lallaalalla

Who does he like? Why's he so intent on hittin on particular ppl ? does he know that it makes me annoyed or does he really like her? I dunno. Well if he does really like her then i hope she'll make him happy. If he's happy then i'll get over it. I think its really time to get over him anyway. Im not gonna wait around and watch him flirt. Well if he flirts with her again, then i knw taht he doesnt like me so ill get over him. So its all settled now. Thursday is the day.

Ridiculous

Wow im so ridiculous that its not even funny. I shouldnt laugh at my own feelings tho i guess. Reading the last blog..wow i remember how i felt that day. For TWO days i felt so lonely. I think i really do like him now. Cuz i miss him so much when we dont talk and i know ill be really sad if i dont see him everyday. Sometimes i cant wait for some of my classes to be over so i can go to the next block and see him. This is pathetic. Seriously, liking someone this much cant be JUST like...i think it needs a deeper word. Im hesitant to use love though but i guess there;s no other word in between. Im so affectionate that its easy for me to love people. I wish i could say the same for him. Maybe its hard for him to love. Well im not gonna push it. The ball's in his court...hehe. I wish he could love me though. Cuz i want him dammit.
Enough about him...im turning into su jin tao. Obsessing over hoes. Today was pretty normal...went to school...aww took the bus for the first time. I MISS MY DADDY! aww i wanna cry. i miss him so bad. See this is how i know i love ppl...when i miss them this intensely. Today i got annoyed at my hoe. Kept flirting with ppl and then he has the nerve to pull my hair. I hate him sometimes. GRR so annoying y does he have to flirt with everyone? makes me insanely jealous but of course...not like i can show it. i have no claim over him. Well w/e im gonna go flirt with everybody too. Humph ill show that loser. he just thinks he's ALL THAT...well he aint (he comes close tho ^^' ). Ok i should just get this outta my system. Even tho i know he cant read this i really hate to say it out loud but DAMMIT THAT GUY IS HOT. Im so turned on sometimes lol. I really didnt think he could be attractive to me before cuz comon...he's not like anything i've ever liked before. but yeah i gotta admit..he just turns me on. He should never knw this though...ahh the power it could give. brrr im gonna stop blogging...i feel all paranoid now. ok bye

...

I CAN FEeL IT!!!!!!!! ITS OVER!!! i dont want it to be over. I have this intense feeling today that he's getting over me right now. That he's sick and tired of me. I dont have anyone to talk to about this. My friends are more interested in their own problems and i have nobody to confide in. I feel so lonely and i miss him so much. The feeling is so deep and intense that its almost physically hurting me. Its like this huge knot in my chest that keeps twisting and twisting till i cant breath anymore. I feel so helpless and sad. Really really sad....and depressed. I dont want it to be overrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i want him. I can tell that he's determined to get over me right now. and he's so logical and determined in everything he does that this will be no exception for him. He probably doesnt feel the same way i feel. I wanna ask him if he does but...i dont know. I cant believe im being tortured like this. It feels like i'll never get over this pain. Im so lonely today cuz my dad left for the states. And now i feel all alone in this house. Its like there's something missing. And on top of that he's not there for me to talk to. i really need to talk to him today and tell him something. Why is he so proud? The same reason i am i guess. omg it hurts so bad that i cant even describe it. I wont even try...this sort of pain should never be documented. WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS? to do this to me???? ARGHHHHHH I HATE HIM! i hate u. why cant u see that im incapable of giving u more because YOU"RE not giving me more? i love you but i cant tell u. omg this is the worst weekend of my life. I cant believe this. i cant get through this. if i get through this and over him, ill get through ANY emotional pain. i know it. the problem is that i cant face the fact that it might be over. I really cant deal with that because i want it so bad. im gonna go distract myself. i cant stand this anymore. bye

To be..or not to be?

I desperately wanna get over him. Really really really do. But im confused. Maybe its worth sticking it out? It's just unhealthy being this sad about something. I've never felt this kinda...frustration before. Its pathetic and i hate it. But it's sooooo hard getting over him. wow..i dont think i can do it. Only time will tell. We'll see. When do you know that it's time to move on? How can u tell it's worth hanging in there for? What if he's everything i ever wanted and i miss the chance? What if i'll always wonder what would've happened? How does someone KNOW they love someone? arghhhhh

Frustration

Well i skipped chem today. I don't feel like studying tho. Hmm i need help with math..need to ask vina or jeffrey to help me. I should really get a tutor. SO hard. sigh. im gonna go sleep.

Distracted!!!

disgusting. absolutely disgusting. How could i be so easily dsitracted? so easily sweet-talked? The asnwer is simple enough i guess..im in love. But seriously...why? Im way too easy for my own good. I gotta be more emotionally "un-promiscuous". need to hold back more. But i dont wanna hold back. When i like somone...i REALLY like them..i go all the way and im not ashamed of that. I guess that's y i admire passion in a guy. because im passionate too. Well all this passion is getting me nowhere except a straight-ticket to NOT getting accepted at uni. Man...im afraid i wont get into even ubc. Wut kinda grades are they looking for? I better check after i finish blogging. Sigh i could be screwed. Im doing horribly in history and its so unfair. Math...im just managing..chem im just managing...english!! omg i dont think im doing too great. Today i got so many wrong on that quiz. ARGHHH FRUSTRATION. its cuz im so lazy this year. I cant blame anyone but myself for that...im just so not into studying this year. Im sick and tired of it. But i think i should do some math at least...yuck i need to get good marks on the ib exams or im SCREWED. well this sh*t is over..im out! lol

the most boring-est day

Didnt do anything...didnt even go to that lunch meeting. Wow i really should finish bio now. Too lazy though. Arghh i WILL finish my essay tomoro. At least i finished history...thank god for that. It only took me two whole days to do that but w/e. Hmm wut else do i need to do tomoro? Spanish hw...yeah. Hey i kinda missed seeing Sean yesterday cuz we didnt have spanish class. lol he is pretty cute but meh...not interested. Even if i didnt like someone else right now i dont think i would like Sean. He's hot and everything and really smart but just not my type. Now i knw what im looking for in a guy...weird but true. But then again, my type seems to change constantly so i cant rely on it. But right now, im just not into sean. I wish he would stop staring at me though..yuck its so uncomfortable and how the heck am i supposed to concentrate on the teach when i see these blue things boring into me? Lol and its so uncomfortable when we catch each other's eye..why do these things keep happening to me? sometimes i feel liek such a freak cuz everything makes me uncomfortable and i seem to make others feel liek that too. Yeah i should stop thinking too much...he;s not coming on to me or anything. Damn he's liek at least 3 years older than me. anywho...i also need to find more schols tomoro. I read english today so that's done with. hmmm wut else?...CHEM. grrr i need help with chem. Yuen;s so useless. Seriously, ive never taken a worse class...but im not gonna sit with tintin anymore. Its so weird..she feels the need to pore all over v when v's more interested in talking to dennis. it makes me uncomfortable when she just ignores us and we just keep sitting with her. Might as well just go back to our regular spot...she can be really strange sometimes. Hmm u knw what? I've been ignoring the other guys in my life. What the heck happened to brice? I didnt even talk to him in ages...i remember once he said hi like 4 times a week or two ago and i accidentally ignored him....HAH i changed my phone # and he doesnt knw it. Oh well. What about kenneth? i dont even know if he;s still alive...damn i've been so out of it...I WONDER WHY...*cough* Well i shouldnt encourage ppl i dont wanna be with anyway so its all good. But i wanna still be friends with kenneethhh..... i miss talking to him!!!! Not brice tho...he's just so ugly. Not physically but meh u knw what i mean.

Nameless things that have no meaning

I feel like there's this huge black hole smack-dab in the middle of my heart. It feels empty...like it desperately needs to be filled. I feel so depressed today. Yesterday i mentioned that he might like his former crush...for convenience ill call her his "ex" but i dont thin they ever actually went out...anywayz today, i feel like he actually does like her again. They looked so much like a couple...walking places together sitting next to each other...doing stuff. I feel like i should leave them alone. Its so hard. WHy does it have to be so hard? I keep on giving myself hope..unable to let go..because it really hurts. I really like him. I cant let go just yet...no matter how much i resolve to do so i cant. i cant. i wish i could but i really cant. IT hurts too much to let go with a good long cry..or else there would be no more pain. Its beyond tears at this point...all it is is a black void. Im not quite sure what i should do with that void. I cant fill it...he doesnt fill it. I want more. I cant express in words how sad i feel today. maybe im pmsing? somehow that age-old excuse seems pathetic today. Im so outta control with this. I know why i cant let go...its because he keeps on giving me hope. and im too much of a chicken to ask him straight up. Excuse me for not being the bravest with my feelings but i simply cant just tell him anything like that again. Not after that. Im so weak....i hate it. I hate this. FUUUUCCKKKK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Why am i so in love and him so in control? Why cant i be like him? Why cant i just play around with his feelings and make hIM wait? Why does he want me to wait? Does he even want me to wait? They look good together...we look weird together. Im waiting for miracles by waiting for him. Im driving him back to the ex...he does like her. He always did probably. Well then be together. I want u to be happy. Because i really do like u....i want u to have a nice life...i want ur naive little dreams to become reality because u deserve for them to become reality. You're a good person who is just naive...so naive. But you deserve everything good even tho u dont want me. I dont mind. When i dont see u i miss you so much. When i dont talk to u i miss the wau u make me smile and laugh at stupid things. I miss the way u look so hot heh...i love the way you stare at me but pretend not to. I love everything about u but i cant keep on doing this. It hurts so bad and its killing me. Im embarassed at how carried away i get when ur so calm. stop killing me!!!!

Random Rambling...RR

Hmm considering having a sleepover on thursday...which is tomoro! woah so soon. America;s next top model is today...i better remember to watch it this time. ANywayz wut movies should i watch tomoro?? Hmm not sure if we're actually even having one..Gotta see. I feel like it tho..We dont even hang out outside of school anymore....my gang and i. Ok im gonna go phone them in 5 mins. Just thought id write a bit about today first tho. Well yesterday i alsmot gvae up on him and today too...He keeps staring sometimes and i wanna smack him. But u knoow what? I think he likes his former crush. Hmm not sure...prolly does. Makes me wanna forget about him. Its so hard though. He looked so hot today lol. I wanted to jump him right then and there. But he doesnt feel the same way so y should i embarass myself? Lol if it were anyone else i would've told him that he looked hot and flirted with him....but noooo its him so i wont say anything. My awkwardness around him is scaring even me. Sigh i dont feel likle blogging anymore....im out.
Byee

Keepin it real!

Today was a nice day. I rarely write about nice days and ncie things on my blog and i thought i would take this opportunity to do so. The truth is, most ppl use the blogger as a means of controlling their negative energy by dumping all their troubles into the huge black void that is the internet. Anyone is free to read but it is not designed for that purpose. But as i read what i have written before, i get an image of a very whiny, indecisive, and obsessive individual. I can't believe that its myself. So I thought i'd write about something nice for a change. Anyhow, back to today...i did my orals and did pretty well on them too. Im not sure what mark i got yet but im sure im doing alllllright. Its sad about history though...im getting such bad marks in everything. I cant believe i thought i did well on that thing...just to realize that i didnt. Same with the chem....im so dissappointed in myself. Maybe all my hard work doesnt pay off at all....damn i was supposed to be happy. Ok happy thoughts...well i had fun today...as i do during most days at school. The gang is pretty funny and we have fun. During bio we cut open a sheep heart....mmmm yummy. I kept cutting all the fat away cuz it felt good. Its very muscular..the sheep heart. Anywho i had a dream last night abt him...i forgot what i was. Wow where has my resolution gone? Somebody asked me today if i still liked him and instead of replying NO with several exclamation marks...i just said "i dunno...maybe". Its just that even if i convince myself that i dont like him...it always comes forth later on. Im not sure what he's looking for here tho...i mean is he trying to be "sure" before he leaps? who the hell can be sure about this? Im not sure...but im willing to give it a try. Oh well...i guess he's not. So its best to move on. I can convince myself that i just wanna be friends with him...really good friends. So that's wut im gonna do. I'll try to be friends with him even tho its hard to do so. He has his own gang and its pretty impenetrable. Its alright...ill just find other ways of communicating. SHould i play him? Hah...hard to get? nahh i dont feel like playing games with him. He can play all he wants...im gonna be real..lol "keep it real, yo". Ok i should be doing something im sure. Oh yeah college applications...ok im out...BYEEE

AHHHH STRESS

eww..english orals tomoro...im stressed. I dont even know how it should be structured. Man im screwed for sure. And he marks so hard too. But u know what? Stress is good. I was just watching this show about restaurants and how these ppl were dealing with opening a new restaurant and keeping up with influx of customers blabla...and they seem pretty darn stressed. All these opportunities to deal with the stress right now can only make me stronger right? I mean i wont have a breakdown from stress cuz i know i never do. LOl im so weird...when tehre's too much stress i just shut down and adopt "i dont give a damn" attitude...which i prolly shouldnt. Anywho...it doesnt matter...im just gonna go finish studying chem and do english later tonight. Eww i still didnt finish thatessay. And the Itzy fitzy is so darn useless. He doesnt even read the damn thing. Sigh im gonna ask betsy to read it for me.. Ok stuff to doo...IM out !

Yeah this is just great...

I didn't get around to doing any of my teps from yesturday. Well..day before yesturday. Anyhow im trying desperately to stick to my resolution but he again played his game on me lst night. So typical of him. Playin me like that. Well im not falling for that anymore...i dont care what he does im gonna stick to what i said earlier. Its very hard and i think im gonna need some time. These things wont happen in a day or two. Maybe by the end of next week? hopefully i think that'll be enough. UNLESS he lays it on real thick...like he does sometimes. He just wants me to wait for him forever...or until he makes up his mind,..which is the same thing now that i think about it. Well forget it...i hope he finds his perfection. Im just saying that cuz i want him to be happy but im sure he never will. But maybe he'll come to appreciate somebody..despite the imperfections...and love them for who they are. I dont think that'll happen anytime soon, despite his many admirers. Speaking of which...one keeps giving me these weird looks and staring at me. It makes me uncomfortable because i told her best friend that i liked him while half asleep. That was a BIG mistake...i have no doubt she went and told her. Ok i got a ton of stuff to do today and its already almost 10...havent even eaten breakfast. I had a cool dream but i forgot what i was..oh yeah an induan festival that had lotsa sweets and stuff. Ppl kept grabbing them and i kept eating so much. There was more to it but i really forgot. Dreams mean so much though and i constantly have this feeling of deja-vu in real life about something i dreamt aboutl...dream manifestations? Well i havent once dreamt about him and me getting it on so there's no chance of that happening anytime soon...not even in my dreams. How ironic htat i dream about indian sweets and weird teachers and not about the guy i like. LIKED. Damn i tend to fall in love easy. Even though i havent told many ppl that i like them....wow only 1. And even then i almost told him but not quite. He knew what i was saying anyway. But still that's scary...i only ever told HIM that i like him and his answer was so foggy. Actually i REALLY liked only about 5 ppl in my life. That's not a lot is it? There's been a lot of other little crushes tho. Anywayz i REALLY must go...im getting addicted to writing my thoughts down...it just flows so well from my brain to my keyboard. well im out. Have a great day ppl!

Resolutions

So typical.... I like having this blogger now. Its giving me a place to let off some steam...it seems like im talking to noone and yet everyone at once. Because noone i know will be reading this (UNLESS THEY"RE A STALKER..shame on u) it feels like im not talking to anyone yet anyone is free to see this and so im talking to everyone. I've just had this blogger for two days and already i see a mini-pattern emerging: an inordinate amount of my energy is spent talking about "him". I dont "he" is worth all this. Especially in light of my recent discovery that he is "not sure" whether he likes me. hah it might not even be me at all. So im making a resolution...Its 11.20 PM on Thursday the 4th of November and this is my resolution: I will stop liking him. I will not waste more energy thinking about him. I will revert that energy into what i should do with my future. As a side with this resolution im gonna make a sort of sub-resolution...no matter what he does or says, my heart is my own and im gonna plan for a future without him. I wanna do well in school and go somewhere and im sure as hell gonna do it. Step 1 go get books from the library to study for my test. Step 2: get a fabulous mark on that essay Step 3: Spend more time on my language skills and talk over the idea of a club with the witch. Im all set! This is really helping after all.

bad news all around

Sigh...why is it that everything is so complicated? I have no words to express how i feel...how confused and irritated i am right now. I was just watching Judge Judy and starting to eat my lunch when i coundnt take it anymore and i decided to write on here. Its so sad that ppl would do such things to make themselves feel better. Im not trying to be all conceited and stuff but comon...its obvious that she's jealous. Even tho she's with someone now she knows that she couldnt have had him when she liked him. I think that's what's bothering her. She was always a little resentful towards me...even back then when we first met. For some reason she hated the idea of ppl complimenting me or saying nice things about me. Sometimes she isnt like that...and she can be really sweet. But when she's feeling insecure or something..that's when it all comes out. I feel like i dont know what i want anymore. All i know is that its very stupid to be caught up in the moment because when that moment passes u regret what u did...or didnt...do. Its best to wait things out a little..wait till your emotions are not so vulnerable anymore. I dont usually offer my heart out to someone. I did it with him and now i regret it...Well not regret it exactly but i just feel exposed. Naked before him. Maybe that's why im always so embarassed aorund him...im not myself. Im not sure if i even like him. maybe im in love with the idea of being in love with him. If he doesnt want me then i dont want him either. Im not saying that because i think it's useless liking him...im saying that cuz i have my "self-respect" as some would call it...and i dont wanna wait around forever. I can force myself to be over the whole liking him thing...whether it is the idea of liking him that i like or whether its him himself. But i dont want to be over liking him. I like the idea of liking him. I really dont understand how i can carry on a normal relationship later on with someone. At the rate im going, i'll be single forever. There's this subconcious fear i have...that ppl will think im a loser because im single. I always feel the need to make up some story or another as to why im single when the truth of the matter is that i didnt find anyone that i felt was worth going out with...Not because my parents wouldnt let me date and NOT cuz i was busy with school. I just feel like im some sort of freak that guys dont like. But guys always flirt with me and many have asked me out. Its in my head that i feel like im not good enough. And i myself cant figure out where this is all coming from..this obvious insecurity. is it a product of normal teenage angst that im experiencing or is it that something happened to me as a kid? I dont know. I cant think of anything to be honest that was traumatizing when i was ltitle. Except for when my parents used to fight. They fought a lot and i remember being very scared of my dad. Like once i remember asking my dad if he loved my mom...we were in the car and he had just driven my mom to the hospital. She banged her ear on the kitchen table because my dad pushed her into it after having a fight. I was very little...about 4 or 5 would be my best guess. Just barely registering what was going on...and i remember the orange flaky texture of the sambol my mom made for him which he threw at her face. Then i remember another time when he tore up about 40 christmas cards cuz she said she didnt like the designs on them and called them cheap. He was infuriated and hit her and screamed and tore up all the cards. I remember cuz i tried to break up the fight by dialling a 3 digit number that made the phone ring when u hung up. I was hoping they would stop fighting long enough to pick the phone and when they answered the phone they would forget about the fight. It was so lonely being by myself at home when all my brothers went away to study or got married or something. I dont know if my insecurity and inability to deal with guys comes from this but it could also be genetics or something. But i think my mom was very competent with guys...i mean she DID have quite a few lovers for her day and age. Maybe my dad? I dunno what it is but i suck with the opposite sex....only the ones that i like though. So weird...i can flirt and have fun with guys i dont like till forever.. but the moment im attracted to someone the more awkward it gets. Sigh...i cant believe he said he's not sure if he likes the 2nd person. That leaves me no hope. Maybe he doesnt then...maybe im wasting my time pining away for him when my feelings are unreturned. maybe everyone knows a secret that i dont...maybe im being humiliated without my knowledge. Omg im being paranoid. But it does seem kinda strange that M and K both think that he doesnt liek me nomore...at least K was being even the slightest bit objective when she tried to tell me he does because of things he did. Trust me....im the last person to assume someone likes me cuz of the way he acts...but this is so over the top that i would have to be so thick not to get what he's communicating....i dunno what his objective is but i know the game he's playing. Why? Why? WHYYYYY ? Why does he do this ot me? I dont have time for all this. I have major stress concering english class...i have stress concerning my whole course load. YUCK this is so annoying. Why cant my life work out perfectly and fall into place. You know why he hadnt liked many ppl? cuz he's immature...he thinks he has high standards but its cuz he doesnt know what love is...its not about the standards and the "type" u like and stuff liek that....its not about looking for perfection....its finidng perfection in the one you;ve found. Of course...im not saying that at least some initial attraction is not necessary....but its not all its about. He cant let go and not overanalyze...he's too immature for me. I need a man like she said. Why cant he give us a chance? If he did and it didnt work out then i wouldnt blame him but he's so cautious that he'll never get anywhere...i hope he DIES unloved. grrr i hate him sometimes. BREAK....i got stuff to do. Maybe ill continue this later on at night....maybe i wont. We'll see....

The most horrible day

Aww i dont know what to do...im not even sure if i like him anymore. I must because i care so much about what he thinks and how he feels. Im scared he was embarassed and hurt today. I insulted him i think...i dont even remember exactly what i said. But i dont want him to be mad at me. The biggest turn off is when someone makes u lose ur cool...makes u lose ur self-confidence. I dont wanna do that to him and make him dislike me...i think we can have something special..him and me.
Im so random....but i just realized that he could easily see this..that's y the internet is sooo restricting. Anyone can see this and i feel like i should edit my thoughts and not just write out whatever comes to mind. But that's exactly what im doing right now...i dont really give a damn right now. I wonder if you could tell someone's personality by their blogs? If so what kinda personality do i have? I dont mind not being the "beautifulest" if i can just be the funniest or quirkiest...or SOMEthing. I dont like standing out but neither do i like blending in with the crowd. Im just beginning to realize that im such a weird person. Then again...everyone seems to be these days. I remember at my old school everyone was so normal and went shoppping and read comics and teen angst novels and watched the typical teenage shows like the OC and america;s next top model....OMG I JUST MISSED AMERICA"S NEXT TOP MODEL....EWWW why do i keep missing that show. Its like im never meant to watch it. Omg i should do bio...i have a test tomoro and i really need to do well in bio considering how im planning to go into that field. I hope i can get my applications done sooon. Awww this brings back that thought of should i go or shouldnt i go... i wanna stay so bad now. Not just because my friends are here but because he's here too. As i said before i think we can really be special together....its just this feeling i have. I feel happy whenever i see him and i wanna make him happy tooooo sigh this is so pathetic. I guess its hopeless. He probably likes his former crush again anyway... But whenever i imagine myself with him it feels so natural and second nature that i should be with him. Im used to getting what i want and i hope he's no exception but im so helpless when it comes to him...im not even myself anymore. Sigh i hope im not in love...it would kill me if he doesnt feel the same way. Im not sure what to make of him because he's such a flirt anyway...i dunno if he's playing me or if he's for real. He better be for real or ill kill him. Aww he's so cute when he's embarassed. And im so stupid...i wanna go to his house and do hw with him Lol...how geeky is that. But yeah i loved going to his house and hanging out...it was so much fun. Ok i REALLY should go and do bio....
Peace OUT!